do you want it all?

in my mind
I'll breathe in the smoke
swallow down the pills
and breathe out the silence,
the relief-
the absolute fear

in my mind
I can envision my arms rotting
just as vividly as
I can feel my blood
pulsing through them

I want to know this is how it could end
I want to know this could have been the night
I want to know it never mattered
I have to know

in my mind
things are exactly the same
acceptance is brutal
shame it doesn't change a damn thing

instead I'll sit
the disillusioned ramblings of
a
dream