broken

It's starting to sink in that I'm not happy. I feel so completely empty inside, so hollow. I've never felt so alone. I've pushed everyone away. I sit and cry off and on for hours. I try to think of what it would take to make me happy but nothing comes to mind. I used to be filled with so much hope for the future. I hoped so fervently that I'd get better. With every day that goes by I start to feel less and less hopeful. What do I feel? I feel like a failure. I feel like I've let everyone down. I haven't written because I don't feel like what I have to say is important enough to bother writing down. It's like I'm bogged down by all these emotions. I feel like I have to keep them to myself. It's killing me, and I mean that. I'm hiding everything from everyone. I hide things from myself. I forget what I'm supposed to be hiding. I keep trying to distract myself, sometimes it goes really well and I forget I'm distracted. I can't stop thinking about suicide. I've started thinking further into it, thinking about who I'd hurt. I wish I was a selfish person. It's not that I lack the guts to do it, its that I know people would be sad. The way I see it, everyone else is selfish. They don't want me to do it because they'll feel bad that they didn't do more to stop me. The thing is, they don't want to put forth the effort to stop me. The longer I type the more I start to think this could be my suicide note. Every day I wake up and hope that it will get better. I just want to stop crying. I want to close myself off from everyone and just rot. It used to be when I felt like this I'd get the desire to hop on a plane and fly away from my troubles. Either that or I'd get the urge to hurt myself. I'm afraid to go near a lighter. I want to destroy myself. I want a razor so that I can slit my wrists with it. I want to take as many pills as I can find then slit my wrists. I want to bleed to death slowly. I don't want to die fast. I want to look around and maybe feel something for the first time in a long time. Maybe I'll feel regret, maybe I'll feel peace. No one on this earth knows me, no one sees this hell I've put myself in. I can't breathe some days, I want to just start screaming. I'm hitting an all time low. I don't know what to do. I just sit really still and hope for the best. Help me.