freedom from a bottle

It all comes down to time doesn't it? What we do with it, how we spend it. What we could have done with it, how we should have done this or that. What is time? Slow down, hurry up. Take your time... what's taking you so long? Why is everyone rushing? They are just going from point A to point B- so few people are actually going to notice the speed with which they get there. Why can't the world slow down and take time to see? To take the time to feel real emotions. What is a real emotion? I can't distinguish real from fake anymore. All these years of putting up masks to hide my true thoughts and feelings have gotten to me. I don't know what I am anymore, I don't know who is living in my body. All I ever do is sleep, all the time. I am wasting my life away, but what's it matter? What good is a life? So many wonderful things can be accomplished in the span of one's life if one really puts forth an effort. It's truly a shame then that so few put forth the effort.

Even I am failing at the whole effort thing. What's the point? I wake up, and am immediately exhausted. I nap again, then shower or eat some lunch, then return to my nap state. The only thing that ever wakes me up is the ringing of my phone and I am so tempted to turn it off... to just ignore every one of you that calls. All you do is wake me up. When I'm sleeping I don't know what's going on, I don't know my thought process so I can't be afraid. I'm not afraid to dream when I sleep. I'm so tired but every night I just have to make sure that I'll be able to sleep. I am horrified of not being able to escape at night. I take these pills, I always take too many but I just want to be sure. I've even started drinking with the medicine, the one thing the doctor said I definately should not be doing. What a downer I am. I can't find happiness in anything, I just want to sleep my life away. One day I'll wake up and I'll be old and gray and still in the same place- alone and hollow.