i only wanna bleed

Systematic. Sad. Lonely. Confused. Scattered. Lost. Fake. Inanimate. Numb. Expressionless. Quiet. Loud. Pain. Calculating. Pouring. Compassion. Passion. I can't think straight. Sometimes random objects terrify me. Sitting at the dinner table with your parents and suddenly feeling afraid of your mother's coffee mug is indescribable. All sorts of things today have frightened me- the doorknob, the empty paper towel roll, my tennis shoes... I am overwhelmed by this urge to throw them as far from me as I can manage, but I am held back because I am so afraid of them I am unable to touch them. So I shake and stare at it, wishing for it to go away. I close my eyes tightly and wish for all of this to go away. Closing my eyes doesn't change a thing though, sometimes I think it makes things worse. It is so loud inside my head, so chaotic. I just want to sleep, its the only place I sometimes feel safe. I'm so tired that I'm falling asleep as I write this but that won't stop me from taking medicine to sleep. I want so badly to not feel the world inside my head.