hours

I know that I don't want to hurt myself. I don't want to die. I don't even want to hurt my liver anymore by drinking or taking more pills. I refuse to smoke another disgusting cigarette. I'm eliminating my options until there are none left. Right this second, I don't even care about what's socially acceptable. Why should I care what other people think? It's about me for once, all the pressure is on me.

I don't know how long it's been since the last time. I wish I remembered it. I wish I had known it was the last time. I would have savored it like a final breath. Days, weeks, months have passed. I've been through alot in those months, and I made it through. It's so much easier when life is hectic, I don't have time to think. As the holiday spirit smothers me, I find I have more time to reflect.

A small part of me wishes I could still feel the past vividly. I wish I could remember the way it felt. I feel guilty for not remembering it. I feel guilty for everything these days. Perhaps that is why I am suffocating in my anger. I am angry at myself, yes I admit it. I denied the issues for so long. I always thought the root of it all was me avoiding my emotions. Apparently I've always been angry, and it's been the reason behind everything I've done. I don't think I buy into this school of thought. I don't want to believe my anger has always been there, that feels so horrible to me- just another thing to feel guilty about.

I am guilty though, because the thing is, I do want to hurt myself. I want to still be able to. I need it like I need air. I wish someone understood that. I wish I understood that. The scars on my body are healing, but I'm not. Every day without will make it that much worse when or if I do finally return. Whenever I have so much as a split second to think, I close my eyes and remember the hesitation, the smell, the waiting, the gasping for air, and the relief. I want to open my eyes and be in that moment. I want to convince myself it's worth it, that it's okay.