epiphany via lobotomy

shaking
the words fly from my brain
too fast for my fragile fingers to type
I can't think of the proper way to say things
the wrong words keep coming to mind

this is me,
magnified

I keep typing
and erasing

"it helps to write it down, even if you then cross it out"

I'm gonna go with that
and hope to god it's true

flying
jittery
mumble jumbled

I could run a marathon right now
if it wasn't for the fact that standing up
makes me want to throw up

ahh life
the little things that just carry you away

getting caught up in moments
what makes a life?

is it the drastic things?
or the mundane?
a combination of both perhaps?

too many thoughts
incoherent

someone reach in
grab ahold of my bleeding brain
toss it on the table
lets cross examine it

ask it how it feels
I can envision this so clearly
I'll poke it with a stick

(no, Rachel, sticks are unsanitary
how about a fork instead?

yes, yes a fork will do
perhaps when I'm done we can feast

aha! cannibalism... what's not to love)

let's focus here-
my brain
bleeding
on a table
in front of us
can you see it?

I can feel it

see that little ridge there?
that holds the memory of that day

oh and that one, that'll make me cry
but the little bump next to it will make me laugh

what if
maybe
we pushed them both at once
along with the one way over there?
the one that makes me forget

what then?
would that day vanish?
would all the other memories come flooding back?

up until now,
my biggest fear-

was to wake up one morning
and say to myself
"what if I had done that crazy thing I wanted so badly to do?"

this has been my excuse for every mistake I've ever made
the dreadful, consuming fear that I would regret not finding out the hard way

now I contemplate the opposite end
of the spectrum

"what if I had not done that crazy thing I wanted so badly to do"

what if

what if

what if

it begins to dawn on me that I might be full of regrets
I am not necessarily bothered by this

just because I'm sorry
doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it at the time

I've always lived for the moments

it's rather unfortunate
that I let those sad moments consume me

rewind

my world shattered

toothpicks became weapons
and dollar bills became a death sentence

some might say I grew up too fast
I'm going to point out
I never grew up at all

I'm still that fragile little girl
who never knew quite how to say
"help"

all I could do was dream
every night for 10 years
as my life whirled by-

walking down the hallway
mirrors on both sides
laughter echoes in my ears
resounding through my body

my heart pounding in my chest
I feel compelled to run
I hear a sharp crack
glancing side to side

I notice the mirrors are breaking
slowly they crash to the floor
I see the fragments of my life
reflected on the fractured glass

the laughter grows louder
taunting me
I fall
the lights flicker out
leaving me crawling in the dark

this is the part where I wake up

tonight is different

I can see clearly the ending-

I blindly reach for the pieces off the floor
the laughter subsides
I move quickly on the inside
if only my limbs would get the message

I swallow the broken glass
every last little fragment

my insides will hemorrhage
but you'll never know

it's brilliant

occasionally I will bleed
penance for my sins if you will

what a breath of fresh air!
I've got to take it slow
let it go

the bleeding will stop
if it hasn't already

turns out
I'm not so broken after all

I'm going to make it

now
if you would be so kind

put my brain back where you found it

then be on your way


I want to do this on my own.