accidental life

I feel so trapped. The tears have started flowing and they aren't showing any signs of stopping. I am compelled by this urge to run. If I go far enough away I won't be me anymore. Another time, another place.... a different situation. I can't think clearly. I have something in my brain that is eating away at me, it possesses me. I'm afraid to stop writing. If I stop writing I am going to go grab every bottle of pills I own and swallow them in great big handfuls. I don't like the word suicide, it seems so trivial. There is accidental death, so why not accidental life? Maybe some of us simply weren't meant to live. Some of us were meant to live more fully than we are... and some of us are the opposite.

Fast forward, several hours later.

After a little reading I realized that I needed to be distracted. Life is nothing more than a distraction from death. For me, for this one time, reading up on how to distract yourself was the distraction for me. Looking back I feel a little bit stronger because I made it through a rough afternoon.

I spent a lot of time thinking today. I've lost my religion. Such a simple phrase to say, despite the fact that I don't quite know what I mean by it. There is a part of me that wishes to get it back, and a part of me that wants it to stay gone. It's not that I don't believe in God, it's that every little aspect of this life seems surreal. When the simple things seem unreal, how am I supposed to fathom the complexities of this life?