unraveling

What do you do when the place you go to escape becomes scary? When the world comes crashing down around you and you can't even find tears to cry? All at once it breaks apart slowly. My mouth can't move to form a word. I'm not here but I'm not really gone. Concentration eludes me. I am screaming for a change but I'm afraid of it. For everything that I could want, there is something in me that just wants it to go away... to end.

It is a matter of minutes or sometimes even seconds that I grasp the reality around me- then suddenly I don't remember what's going on or who I am. I'll be in the middle of a conversation and forget who I'm talking to or what we are talking about. I draw in a shallow breath and exhale, trying not to panic. The paranoia hits home... I begin to wonder what they are thinking, what they know about me. I just want to hide, but I want to be seen. I yearn to be understood.

What is one human soul capable of? Life is surreal. At times I feel as if I were waking from a dream... I open my eyes, or perhaps I shut them. I see myself as if I were someone else, like I'm watching from the outside. My senses take turns adjusting themselves so that one is always at the top. Hearing usually wins the battle- I become aware of every little noise around me. They rattle my insides and I shake from the intensity of it all.

I remember walking the other day. Everything was so eerily crisp and logical, yet nothing made sense. I felt the breeze brush past my fingertips. I heard the leaves scraping along the pavement as the wind tossed them around. I sensed a car speeding past- my heart caught in my throat. I felt the need to scream, the urge to crumple into a tight ball. My eyelids fluttered open and I became aware of a weeping willow standing in front of me. Its massive branches swept over the sidewalk, leaving me breathless with fear. I was forced to walk in the road to escape the presence of the tree. I glanced at the ground and noticed shards of broken glass laying at my feet. My mind went blank only to fill with broken images of panic.

Quiet.