something tangible

This world inside my head is not a happy nor a healthy place to be. Some days I get lucky I suppose you could say, and I get a glimpse outside. I have some rough times ahead, and quite honestly I'm afraid. I'm heading down a road that I inadvertently picked a long time ago, and I'm not sure what lies at the end. Perhaps inadvertant is the wrong word choice for the previous sentence. Who knows? Better yet- who cares?

I can't even think clearly, my thought process is so scattered. Nothing makes sense anymore. I'll stare at the simplest thing and wonder how it works... I'll stare so intently that I don't see anything else. I have a hard time with words, nothing seems to express what I'm trying to get across. It becomes so frustrating- I almost get angry.

These memory lapses are killing me. It is probably the most terrifying thing in the world to "wake up" and realize some of the things that I've done. I sit and try to recall how I got to wherever I am at the time and I just don't know. I just can't remember it happening.

My experience last night was terrifying. I popped some pills leftover from my back injury in hopes they would help me sleep- getting one or two hours a night isn't cutting it. I waited a few minutes, then popped a few more. Half an hour later, I swallowed a few more. The world started spinning somewhere along the line, and I stumbled into my bed. As I laid there my chest began to ache, and only then did it occur to me that maybe I had taken too many pills. My thoughts began to race in a sluggish manner, all I could think about was how I didn't even write a note to say goodbye to anyone. Something about that struck me as funny and I began laughing uncontrollably... it was the first time I've ever laughed myself to sleep. Almost a shame it didn't kill me, would have been a wonderful way to go.

I've felt incredibly awful all day, I have this numbness resounding through my body and for the life of me I can't get my brain to pick a topic to settle on. Strange thing is though I think that I am unfocused because I am watching the clock tick by, waiting for it to be late at night so that I can begin to swallow some more pills and drift off into another drug induced stupor. One of these nights I'll take one too many...