drive until you lose the road

I've decided that I am amazing at telling people exactly what they need to hear in order to feel good. Now, this isn't me being fake... no, not this time. I actually mean what I say. I truly see the good in people and I want to help them realize that, so I pick the exact things to say to assist them. The problem with this is, I am very... naive? I have spent my whole life giving to people, and so few have given back. I give and give until there is simply nothing left. I am starting to realize if I keep living this way one day I will wake up dead inside, with absolutely nothing left for anyone. Of course with the way life goes, the moment this day comes, will be the moment I realize I have found someone I truly desire to give my all to, and behold I will have nothing left for them. There have been a few people out there who I gave absolutely everything I had to give, and had it spat back into my face. I can't say I blame them, but I can't say I don't either.

What do I want? I want someone to look at me and say, "everything is going to be okay in the end, and if it's not okay, then this simply isn't the end." About a month ago, I hit the lowest night of my life, and I will spare the details. Suffice it to say, I have never felt so contemptible. I replay this night in my mind over and over until I think I am going to go mad. Looking back, things could have gone a lot differently but I suspect that it was simply the way things were meant to be. One of the great misfortunes of life is that hindsight is always 20/20, and another great tragedy is that we can't travel back in time for the purpose of fixing our mistakes. So for the reminder of my life, however long this may be, I will have to live with the repercussions of my actions, and my scars will forever remind me that my past is real. In a way, this is beautiful because one day I will look at that night as the turning point for the rest of my life. I rarely allow myself to see how this night might have been different, but when I do I realize that all I needed was to be told that it was all going to be okay, then given a tight hug and left on my own to either sink or swim.


"Where did go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness, and I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life..."